How to Have an Almost Perfect Marriage

Do you, Edna Constance Bathsheba, take Stephen John Elvis to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I did.

Reader, I married him. Or e-reader, I married him, if you prefer. For after many, many years of marriage and many, many children, I’ve decided it’s only fair to share my unparalleled expertise and deepest secrets with you in my new book, How To Have an Almost Perfect Marriage.

Of course, the ‘him’ to whom I refer is my current husband, Stephen. You may be aware of his numerous books, his countless television shows and his enormous intellect. You probably know he spends his time travelling endlessly, attending operas, meeting famous stars of stage and screen and visiting tribespeople in the remotest corners of the globe. That’s if you read all that rubbish he writes on Twitter, anyway - honestly, that man’s imagination!

If you frequent the Dog & Duck, however, you’ll know the truth. Or the Red Lion. Or Kev’s kebab van. Because that’s where you’ll almost certainly find him. Not dining at the Ritz or filming something about wizards in New Zealand and certainly not at home helping me take care of our five children. Or is it six? Actually, it might be seven now . . .

Of course, you can’t realistically expect to have a marriage as perfect as ours, which is why I’ve called the book How To Have an Almost Perfect Marriage, but whether you’re a husband-, wife- or divorcee-to-be or just simply Fry-curious, you’ll learn everything you need to know, and quite a lot you don’t, about the most wonderful years of your life as these nine chapters guide you through every aspect of marriage from proposal to divorce, enhanced by my own candid diary entries, incomparable poems and world famous mouth- and eye-watering recipes . . .

Finding Mr or Miss Right
Where and how hard to look. The perils and pleasures of internet-dating, speed-dating and hanging around bus stations.

The Big Day
Including extracts from my own wedding diary, stag & hen dos and don’ts and a handy cut-out-and-keep 'delete as applicable' best man’s speech and wedding vows.

The Way to a Man/Woman’s Heart
Tantalising recipes and emergency surgery procedures.

An Englishman/woman’s Home
The joys of housework, including how best to sweep things under the carpet.

Between the Sheets
Warning: implicit. Including extracts from the Joy of Abstinence and the Calmer Suitor, DIY marital aids and how to fake everything from a headache to an interest in football.

The Patter of Tiny Feet
A step-by-naughty-step guide to childcare, including the pros and cons of childhood obesity and an A-to-Z list of baby names from Asbo to Zafira.

Getting Away From It All
A guide to family holiday destinations like Lagerland and 99p World and an in-depth look at the importance of hobbies in a marriage, such as Stephen’s (karaoke, lager and lying on the sofa scratching himself) and mine (haute cuisine, poetry and sitting alone on the kitchen floor at night switching the light on and off).

Magic Moments
Special events from birthdays to anniversaries and getting through Christmas without police intervention.

A Problem Shared
The seven-year itch (and where to get it treated) and a handy guide to divorce. Plus a special Ask Edna section, where I answer some of your questions.

So, whether you want the perfect engagement, marriage, Valentine or Christmas gift or just to save your marriage, say 'I do' and pledge to join me in bringing this book to life!

Love Edna (Fry) (Mrs) x

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Edna Fry is the long-suffering wife of Stephen and mother of his five, six or possibly seven children. Her first book, Mrs Fry’s Diary – a frank and revealing insight into a year in the Fry household - received great critical claim and provoked a good deal of bemusement. Her talents are many and varied – her Spam Bourguignon has to be tasted to be believed, her poetry unlike anything you will ever read and her childcare techniques legendary. And she manages all of this while carrying out her somewhat demanding wifely duties (especially on a Sunday morning).

When not being a domestic goddess, literary marvel and carrying Stephen home from the pub, she likes to spend her time on Twitter (largely to keep an eye on her husband’s fanciful announcements), where she won the prestigious 2010 Shorty Award for Funniest Tweeter. She also likes tea. A lot.

Reaction to Mrs Fry’s Diary

Hilarious - Daily Express

The clever wordplay and gags keep coming... it's consistently funny and will keep all types of readers entertained.- Irish News

Buy the wife’s book or I’ll never hear the end of it. - Stephen Fry